Monday, December 22, 2014

A Rough Journey to Nowhere.

 I called our blog our happiness but I am rethinking the tacky header. I think I must named our blog the never ending path to nowhere.

2014 has been indeed one of the most obnoxious, unproductive year of my life. After all the hard work I put to lose all my weight, I gained all of it back plus some more. The stress of moving with no hope of ever being able to settle in a house it is very annoying, and it is honestly depressing. I must admit that I have walking depression. I diagnosed myself, of course.
I am usually a goal oriented woman. I don't like journeys without a plan, a realistic plan. I am not the kind of woman enjoys the journey if I know that my final destination will be less than perfect.
I wish I was one supportive wife that will go to the end of the world with her husband. I am not that kind of woman and I will never be.
I live in an adorable two bedroom apartment with the two most wonderful children in the world. Jared pays $3,100 at month with the water utility included. I feel very claustrophobic. I have noticed how anxiety has taken over me. I can't clean, because I don't see the point of doing it. I don't do laundry as often as I would love to do it because every load is $1.75 per load. I will spend around $100 dollars just doing laundry. Seems a lot right?  Having children is a messy job. I was so controlling with how I used to run my house. I used to changed sheets every week and wash everything every week. It was my pleasure. I honestly can't do that anymore, because our debt never stop growing.
Somehow to be able to pay or debt, I will have to stop eating. I am not talking about eating out. I am talking about just eating mac and cheese and process food all the time.
What is the big deal? Eating all that stuff is bad for you and if I don't take care of myself who will? There is no one coming to rescue me. I have to rescue myself which makes my debt grow deeper.
One time my father in law asked me what for do I need a college degree?  I mean, I know that I am an amazing homemaker, but in the real world THAT IS NOT ENOUGH.
I feel mortified that as a grown woman, my dad has to asked me if I need money. I always turn him down. My in laws are giving money to Jared as a present for Christmas. We make more than my father in law and still our debt keeps growing. How pathetic are we?
I feel like a total disappointment because I am powerless to do anything about it. Getting a job with my non existing skill set will bring as much as nothing. My photography business keeps growing but not to the point where I can make enough to keep our lifestyle.

I blamed myself for falling for the one income is enough story line. I feel that I am repeating how I grew up with my parents. It feels like a journey to nowhere living paycheck to paycheck.
I think most of us want to have a home, a descent car, a hefty amount of money save in the bank. I want to being able to pay for my children college education and mission. I want my boys to experience the world in many different ways, but experiences are not free or cheap. I found myself reminding my children to take advantage of the swimming classes or this or that because it cost this much.
I feel mortified that I have to talk about money matters with my them. Isn't enough that they will have to do that when they are older for the rest of their life? I just need to let them enjoy their childhood.
Thanks to my frustration, my stress and a feeling of hopelessness my body has turned against me. I have never been this sick in my life. I feel very guilty for my children.  I wish I could be the super amazing, sophisticated mother that they deserve. I am not.

Part two.

I took a break. I was getting too emotional. 2014 has been awful spiritually speaking. A family member of mine decided that they didn't have a testimony of the gospel anymore. That has been hard on me, because I understand 100% her point of view.  There have been times when my testimony has also been very weak, even thought I read my scriptures, do service and do every single thing that is required of me. In times like that I honestly relied on other's testimony until I feel my testimony getting stronger. I think one way or another we all go thru the times where we become spiritually anorexic. The hard part is not getting a testimony of the gospel; The hard part is keeping faithful to the end. Sacrificing what I want NOW for what I want the most is one of my personal struggles.

Everyday is another chance to be better. I am going to try my best to live the life that I want. I will do everything under my power to provide stability and everything that my boys need. I am talking spiritually, emotionally, and physically. After all, they are my first priority.
Since I was a little girl, I always felt that this life/world have great things for me. I still believe it. I have this drive in my life to get the things I want. Feeling lost and without purpose has been a new feeling that I don't want to keep in my life.
This thought keeps always coming to my mind: We all have seasons in our life and everyone learned from those seasons.  I know Heavenly Father loves me and He is teaching me the hard parts of this mortal existence. In times when I feel the most lost, I know that HE is there for me. I know that 2015 will be better for me. I have faith it will be.

Enough ranting about poor me. I am going to bed now.